Gross stories about our kids are something that bonds us across generations of mothers. Am I right worn-out mommas?! Your mom has probably told some on you in public settings that get a good laugh. Maybe they have one about vomiting down their dress at an opportune moment?
You’ve also probably learned to appreciate them more as time has passed and you have yours about your own kids!
I’ve listened to plenty of moms share their most disgusting moments only to be hoping they would never happen to me. One of my favorites is a kid eating cat vomit and telling the lucky mom that they thought it was peanut butter. Yikes!
Here are my top 3 grody favorites to help you feel better about your life and have you crossing your fingers you’re not next!!! Don’t have time to read right now busy momma? Check out my video version instead!
Poop Strikes Twice
My husband and I were dating in 2012 and his kiddos were 5 and 6. He needed to run to the store and grab some things and asked if I minded watching them.
The 3 of us started to play in the living room while he headed off for a quick errand.
The 5-year-old disappeared to use the bathroom at some point and didn’t end up coming back. I went to check on him and ended up wishing I’d done it so much sooner.
I found him in his bedroom, naked from the waist down and trying to pull on a pair of underwear. Uh, curious.
I asked him if he was ok and he said yes without any extra thought to why the heck he was in need of a change of Ironman underoos!
I headed to the restroom and found forensic evidence of a poop explosion. He apparently didn’t have time to get his pants off before his bowels let loose.
His underwear lay inside of his shorts on the WHITE bathmat in front of the toilet. Poop was smeared from bathmat to potty. My brain kicked into panic-mode as I remembered that his now poopy butt was sitting on the carpet in his room. Gross!!
Like in any good apocalypse outbreak, all I could think of was containment and to do it while trying to act like things were perfectly normal. Even a 5-year old has some self-esteem that I didn’t need to crush in front of his older sister
I nicely said “Hey buddy, let’s have you jump in the shower really quick before you head back to play.” I got him fecal-free and dressed in clean clothes while avoiding where is little rump sat to put on the last pair of undies.
Then, I began the hazmat clean-up where I wish to God I would have looked to Pinterest for some good ideas.
I took the bathmat to the backyard and tried to get some sort of pressure to spray the nuggets from the rug, all the while praying my boyfriend would come home to this problem. He did not.
I survived, the 6-year old was none the wiser to what happened and the bathmat made it into the wash to survive another day.
I would also like to mention that I was able to manage to avoid all poop getting onto me. Score!
I cannot say the same for the next tale with my husband.
Our youngest was 6 months at the time and had just shot into his diaper what sounded like the wettest poop yet. To which I immediately yelled, “Not it!”
My husband had been home with the babe all day. He looked at me with disdain having changed all the diapers already. I laughed and said I would change the diaper.
He graciously smiled and said he would do it. I of course let him.
He reached over to grab the little bugger and laid him down in front of him while I sat opposite in a chair in our living room to get a front row seat.
As soon as he got the diaper off, our baby farted one last time and shot watery poop on my husband’s shirt!!! Gross!
We both lost it and couldn’t stop laughing while my husband raced to cover his booty up before another projectile poop came his way.
I’ve never been so happy to have been so selfish in my life.
Since it wasn’t my shirt, I don’t remember the clean-up process. I’ve worn a peed on shirt out of the house but I think the poop I would have cleaned for the good of everyone.
Vomit Horror Show
Halloween night in 2015 was certainly memorable. We did some Trick-or-Treating with our kids and then headed to a backyard party hosted by my husband’s boss. There were tons of kids, food, candy and a baseball game on for the adults to be consumed by.
Our 9-year old son decided to take advantage of the lack of supervision and lose his damn mind!
He and another little boy stuck candy bars on sticks, roasting them over a fire pit then devouring them. They ate Twizzlers, chips, cheese puffs and drank red pop. To make sure everything became a rumbling volcano in their bellies, they ran around the yard and through the house a million times.
Our ten-year old daughter was more subdued, trying to keep warm by the fire and holding onto a little hand warmer that you put in the pocket of your coat. My husband and I both gave the instruction not to hold the thing next to her skin anywhere.
We got home late and everyone crashed into their beds, a successful, exhausting Halloween night behind us.
Until, sometime after midnight the horror-show began.
Our daughter came into our room sobbing and woke me up. She told me that her leg really hurt and she didn’t know what to do. She fell asleep with the hand warmer pressed against her thigh inside of her pajama pants and created a blister that popped. You know, because kids listen when you tell them things for their own good.
We were standing in our hallway and I turned on the bathroom light to get a better look. Or as good as I could get without having grabbed my glasses.
While I squinted, trying to determine what to use on a blister, or was it a burn…she looked over her left shoulder and said, “Ewwwwww! Who threw up???!!!!!!”
I looked over to see the wall, the shower curtain and the floor covered in red and chunky vomit. This pile was like an inch thick mommas. Gross!!
If you’ve ever seen a movie where they are trying to overdo someone throwing up and have hooked up some funnel beside the person’s mouth to power launch liquid, this is the only scenario that could have resulted in what I was seeing.
The toilet, right behind the massacre, was pristine of course.
I told my daughter I didn’t know who did it but I knew who was going to clean it up.
I proceeded to use mop and bucket along with a steam vac for clean-up, gagging my way through the hour-long process.
If you ever have to do this, use a snow shovel and dump the sludge in the toilet as the first step! Or just light a match. It may not be worth saving.
The next morning, we confirmed it was my son who went hog-wild the night before. When asked why he didn’t tell anyone he threw up, he responded he didn’t want to wake anyone.
Kind of sweet until you think of them possibly trying to use the bathroom in the dark…horror show!